by Meredith Siegel Cohen, Creator, Single and Striking Out
There’s a point in my evening when I quietly check out of my own life.
Midlife and loneliness (a winning combination) have been hitting differently. They have felt more weighted, as if they are posing a challenge- just try to move me! I mean, let’s face it, I’m never going to age backwards. No Benjamin Button moments here. At this stage, I am shouldering a lot of responsibilities.
It’s painful to acknowledge that there’s no one to do it for me in the same way.
No one.
And sitting with that takes fortitude that I frequently don’t have. So–in the space between my busy day and the silent night–I tune out.
My days begin with lots of structure and positivity. I rise early, and enjoy breakfast. Hazelnut coffee brewed, egg whites cooked, dog walked, and news skimmed (or some project finalized). I get ready for work, and set out positively. I truly enjoy the camaraderie of my colleagues and love feeling ‘of value’ through work.
On my drive home, I’m on the phone and then upon entering my house, greeted warmly by Winnie. We walk- she always makes me smile. My best furry friend.
But then, the silence starts. The memories flood. The “shoulds” get loud.
I try to divert- what to make for dinner? It’s just me, there’s no one else to satisfy. And though I’m hungry, it’s tiring to think about every day.
The nights I have social plans offer a respite as I can delay the predictable thought patterns.
But regardless of my plans, there is an exhaustion that comes over me when I’m alone- part physical and part emotional, and covers me like a heated blanket. At some point, I invariably plop down in my living room chair and watch the news. I glance at my cell phone. It beckons.
I can’t resist. The numbing begins.
First, it’s a series of digital canasta games until there is a final winner. I’m currently on level 18.
Then, I move on to solitaire, and play until I win. Well, sometimes it’s beyond that point, because if I win once I can do it again, right?!
Then, I scroll through Facebook, which typically gets me into trouble. The couples beaming, the trips taken, the happy intact families boasting some milestone or celebratory event. And believe me, I’m happy for all of them. But they remind me of what I don’t have. Cue the violin.
And while I understand that it’s all a little attention-seeking, if I’m being honest, I’d like just a smidgeon of that attention too.
Romantic love is such a special feeling. Even when it settles into the every day, and that person isn’t so shiny anymore, it still provides peace and comfort and security. Without it, the world just feels colder and bigger and well, quieter.
In that quiet, the questions come.
Is this it? Will I have love again? Will there ever be someone looking out for me? Will I find the courage to embrace a bigger life by myself? And what does that even look like?
They are tough questions that I can’t answer.
Tech has its own answer: Ignore those. Join me instead. Disconnect.
It’s a comforting distraction. And for now, I accept the offer.
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