by Meredith Siegel Cohen, Creator, Single and Striking Out
Timing. Patience. Trust.
Three things I’ve never been very good at.
Timing
I know a man who re-entered the dating world at 53. His primary goal was to avoid growing old alone, and he was determined to find a partner who felt like an equal. There were stops and starts, but eventually, at 62, he found her.
This individual had relationships along the way. I am sure he thought one of them would be his “forever,” but it actually took those failed relationships to point him toward this one. They served a purpose — just not in the way or on the timeframe he had imagined.
As the saying goes, “we plan, G-d laughs.”
Recently, I had dinner with a friend who is “spiritual.” I was talking about areas in my life that are going very well, and she exclaimed, with great enthusiasm, that this was going to be a “wonderful” year for me in those respects.
Patience
Instead of leaving well enough alone, I just had to push it and inquire about my love life. Did she have a sense that it would be a good year for me in that realm as well? She said she didn’t feel anything in that regard — which doesn’t mean something special won’t happen.
I was disappointed but not surprised. I, too, sense that 54 will be a year of tremendous growth, but not of great love. If I’m wrong, all the better.
Truthfully, at this point in my life, I need contentment more than love.
And I’m learning that contentment requires surrender — an understanding that most things are not entirely within our control. We can only control how we show up: our actions, our character, our inner work. With a little luck, what we want will align with what we need.
This journey of being solo has given me opportunities to sit with negative feelings (the ick), positive feelings, and even neutral ones — and think. (Oy, there’s been a lot of thinking.)
I’m a pretty structured person. I have my short-term to-dos and my long-term goals. I try to follow them, but I’m realizing that the most important stuff of life requires trust and a belief in something bigger than myself. I can date endlessly, but without the right person, the result is always the same: me, still solo.
Trust
So, the question becomes: do I trust in my future, and choose contentment in the present; or, do I try to outrun loneliness by frantically searching for the “one” out of fear?
As I’ve been thinking about this, I realize something. My life is not loveless now.
First and foremost, I love myself. I have the love of my family, my friends, and my labradoodle. I carry a positive, loving outlook into the world. I believe in the goodness of people, helping others, and the intrinsic value of social connection.
That’s love.
Of course, when I say love here, I’m talking about romantic love. While these things don’t take its place, they do fill me up, and give me contentment. I want to be whole, happy, and hopeful — but not blind to the fact that the happy ending I want may not look like the happy ending I get.
This is why it’s so important to get involved, be engaged, and do the things that bring me joy and fulfillment. I’m certainly trying, albeit still on shaky ground. But more and more I have a growing understanding that I am okay. Whatever the universe has in store for me will be okay.
While I still hope for romantic love, embracing the notion of being content as a single woman brings me peace. When I relax, lay down my sword, and stop fighting so hard for what I want, I may just get what I need.
Perhaps that is when timing, patience, and trust finally come together, and a more peaceful life can begin.
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