by Meredith Siegel Cohen, Creator, Single and Striking Out
Ever see the movie Hitch?
Sometimes I think I should become a relationship consultant, like Will Smith’s character, for single men in their fifties and older. It would be interesting to counsel someone on his online profile and communication, dress and overall appearance, active listening skills, selection of a first date venue, and even how to let someone down kindly.
I’ve seen so many profile pics that just shouldn’t exist, poor attempts to engage, an inability, or perhaps a lack of desire, to truly know me (vs. hear themselves yammer on and on), and weak first-date offerings. I know these things usually come from good intentions, and I think with just a little tweaking, opportunities would flourish.
For now, I’m willing to offer a little “free” advice on what I believe would help the menfolk up their game in the dating world. I’m not saying I’m perfect (I know two guys in particular who would burst out laughing at the mere suggestion), but I really think I can dispense some pertinent information. (They may scoff at this, but hey, they didn’t make it to the finish line!)
So, without further ado, here are my top five suggestions:
1. Be Picture Perfect
Okay, maybe not perfect, but how about photo-worthy??
Gentlemen, I’m not suggesting you have to possess movie star looks. But for goodness’ sake, why do we need to see you standing in front of a stall in a bathroom? Or on a boat holding a fish? Or on a dock holding a fish? Or anywhere near a slimy fish??? I mean, we can just imagine the odors emanating, as you stand there in your tank top and flip-flops with your prized catch of the day.
No.
A woman wants to see that a man cares about his appearance. Shave the stubble—or at least trim the facial hair if that’s your thing. Show us a professional pic, have one in chinos and a button-down, and then flex in Bermuda shorts and a polo shirt—perhaps on the golf course. A golf club in hand is much more appealing than a flopping flounder or hapless halibut. (I crack myself up.)
How about a shot of you seated at a nice restaurant, or with a scenic background? There’s nothing wrong with a casual photo on a beach, boat, or during a walk (in fact, those can be quite sexy), but dress appropriately. And contrary to popular belief, lying on the couch or bed without a shirt, beckoning us to join you, is not sexy.
Most importantly: smile! I’ve seen so many pictures of men with serious, somewhat scary poses. Why aren’t you guys smiling? The closed-mouth smiles look even stranger, especially when you pose that way in every single picture.
What is going on there??
If you’re concerned about the way your teeth look, get them fixed! Because, let’s face it: beyond the smile, you’ve got to be kissable. So fix them, and then say “cheese!”
2. Reach Out with a Sincere Compliment and a Question
I find it baffling when someone sends me a smile or a like (depending on the site) with no message—or just says “hello.” What exactly is he expecting to hear back?
Interestingly, one guy sent me a “hi,” yet his profile stated that he hates when a woman replies with the same brevity. Can you say hypocrite?? I felt like I was being tested. No thanks.
Obviously, there’s a reason you stopped at her profile. Why not share it with her?
“You have a pretty smile.”
“I think we have a lot in common.”
“You look beautiful.”
Those are all nice ways to open. If there’s something funny to share, even better, as humor is a great way to get attention.
But then, take it one step further: ask a question. A compliment shows attraction, but a question shows interest. It’s smart to comment on something she wrote in her profile. More than just liking her looks, show that you actually read what she had to say.
Trust me—the likelihood of receiving a response will increase significantly.
3. Communicate with Intention
At this stage of life, a woman doesn’t have the time, patience, or desire to banter endlessly. She’s looking for a relationship, not a pen-pal.
If you’re afraid to step out from behind a screen, get off the dating sites—and into a therapist’s chair! But if you’re ready for a relationship with a quality woman, then move things forward. Text briefly, set up a call, and schedule a real date, soon.
If not, cut the cord (kindly) and move on.
4. Casper Is the ONLY Friendly Ghost
Ghosting is the opposite of maturity. Why would someone do that to another person after communicating, or worse, dating?? Makes no sense to me.
Confrontation makes me uncomfortable, and yet I wouldn’t just disappear without explanation. It doesn’t have to be much, just something.
What is so hard about saying, “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t think we’re a match (or I don’t feel a love connection), and I wish you the best in your search”?
The other person doesn’t have to like it or agree. That’s not your problem. But if the only way you know how to end a connection is to vanish (unless you feel unsafe—that’s a completely different story), you’re not ready for a real relationship.
5. First Date Food
Personally, I think a “liquid date” as a test to see if someone is food-worthy is ridiculous.
On one date, I met a guy at a local coffee house that had beautiful pastries. I suggested ordering a couple. He declined, saying he’d “already had breakfast.”
Date over (in my head).
Shockingly, that evening I received a text saying he enjoyed my company—and asking if he could take me out on a real date. What was that?? A fake date?
Getting my drift? Why not just invite someone for a meal? Don’t want dinner? Fine—how about breakfast? Or a pastry shop (where you take the initiative to order something fun)?
If you insist on drinks, order a few appetizers from the get-go! Choosing an option with a quick ‘out’ just so you don’t have to spend money or time is, in my humble opinion, cheap and distasteful.
I get that some people lie about their age, appearance, or body weight, and no one wants to feel deceived. If either party is uncomfortable or misled, they should absolutely end the date immediately.
But otherwise, what’s so bad about spending an hour getting to know another human being? Is it really so awful to practice your active listening skills and show some curiosity?
You never know where a meeting could lead—to a friendship, a connection through a friend of theirs, or an expansion of your world. People are interesting, and they bring all sorts of perspectives.
And while we’re here, let me toss in a free outerwear tip: No hoodies. No hoodies in pics, and please, no hoodies on a date. The one exception? If it’s an outdoor date, a hooded athletic jacket is fine. But in that case, leave the hood down.
Dating is hard—for all of us. I know at our age, men don’t have it easy, especially since they’re still expected to initiate the dance (at least, I expect that).
Sure, maybe there are women who love sloppy guys in hooded sweatshirts with closed-mouth smiles… men who pose in front of toilets… or who get turned on by fish hanging helplessly off hooks. But I don’t think they’re the majority.
Give my suggestions a try and see if they make a difference. If you want to “catch” a quality woman, your appearance, consideration, and thoughtfulness will go a long way.
And once you’ve baited her… then you can introduce the worms for that fishing trip.
Ick.
Would love to hear from both women and men on this one!
Do you think I’m on point? What’s important to you when fishing for love?
Share your thoughts—I’d love to know!
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