by Meredith Siegel Cohen, Creator, Single and Striking Out
I have scoured both my house and my mother’s home to find the photos I desperately wanted to include in this piece. Sadly, I cannot locate them.
Baby, I Was Born This Way
The first is a portly, one-year-old baby Meredith, on the beach on an overcast day, sporting a white bathing suit decorated with pink and purple elephants. There were definitely some notable features, like the frizzy hair going off in every direction, and a scowl on my little face. But what jumps out at you are the thighs— “pulkies,” as my grandmother would lovingly say in Yiddish. Thick little thighs, with a couple rolls in each of them. Very cute and pinchable for a baby.
The second photo is from a ballet recital at Ursula Melita’s School of Dance. Quite serious. I was about 7 years old. We were lined up in a row, backs facing the audience. Our uniforms were all the same – black, short-sleeved leotards with pink tights and pink ballet slippers. All the little girls’ figures were straight up and down—skinny legs, no hips. Until your eyes scanned the child in the middle, who stood out like a sore thumb. Thicker thighs, curvy hips and tush. There was no denying my genetics.
For a good laugh, here are a couple of awkward teen pics, showing my shape.
I didn’t really begin to feel the ‘shame’ of my figure until I was in college, living in Italy for a semester abroad. I was friends with a group of kids, one of whom I liked. During a conversation, he said that I had good “birthing hips.” What??! I felt the burn of embarrassment. I knew I had larger hips, but I didn’t realize it was that noticeable. I actively dated, and no one had been so kind as to point that out to me previously. Ugh.
This was also the 90’s. There was no such thing as “curvy” jeans. Curves were not “in.” To the contrary, the dominant aesthetic during this decade leaned towards a more slender, androgynous figure. This meant that very thin, sometimes emaciated, profiles were considered more fashionable.
It didn’t stop me from having boyfriends and getting married. I was young, and while there may have been challenging areas, I was, well, young— with supple skin, a pleasant face always with a wide smile, and an overall slender appearance, with a super-flat stomach and tiny waist.
A More Mature Me
Fast forward to my current age of 53. I am fascinated by all that I’ve been through, and how it is reflected in my body. I was fortunate to undertake the miracle of childbirth, twice. Of course, along with that experience comes stretch marks and a little bulge of skin that never quite goes back in. Stress over the last 25 years certainly takes its toll – worry about children, marital issues and of course the all-encompassing divorce stress, work-related concerns, loss of loved ones – they all have an impact. Add in sleepless nights, the wrong (yet delicious) foods, not enough water. And then, for us women . . . MENOPAUSE!!
It feels like it comes out of nowhere—and man, oh man, does it wreak havoc! The sweating, the mood swings (like, I’m talking rage), the lack of sleep, hair loss, the brain fog, and the weight gain (just to name a few of the multitude of symptoms).
OMG, the weight gain. All of a sudden, clothes that have fit forever, the reliable, classic staples, are too tight, and in different areas. There’s an extra 10 pounds on the scale (and around the midsection) that refuses to budge. We are told to exercise more, and add in resistance work, but the fatigue is so intense that just taking a walk requires tremendous energy. Thank goodness menopause is having a “moment.” It’s being discussed in public forums like never before. So important.
My point in all this? Take an already challenging figure, mix in life stressors and the aging process, and it’s no wonder it’s not easy to feel sexy and datable. Especially when you are sweating, bloated, follicly-challenged, and just flipping exhausted.
And the men? Do they appear to understand, as they are undeniably aging as well?
The ‘Shape’ of Dating in Midlife
Quite the opposite. So many still dream of the trophy wife or girlfriend on their arm. Here’s what I read regularly on the bios that come my way on the online dating sites:
I love the guys, but it can be laughable when you look at their photos—they’re not exactly the same as their younger selves either.
Of course, there has to be physical attraction. But I know that outward attraction can grow exponentially when inner beauty shines through. Show me a kind heart, a loving nature, integrity, intelligence, and a generous soul – that’s a handsome man!
But I digress, because what really matters, more than what any man sees when he looks at me, is how I feel about myself.
Could I stand to lose a few pounds, eat a bit healthier and exercise more? Absolutely. But here’s the thing – when I do these things, it should be for me, not to impress some man. It should be because my health, my longevity and my joy are important for my well-being.
I have been off the sites for a few weeks, as I’ve not had such great dating luck in the past year. I’ve met some lovely and sweet guys (but no romantic feelings), and some real creeps. I just needed a break. Soon, I’m going to give it another go.
This piece is as much for me as for anyone else who needs the reminder:
Women in midlife are beautiful.
We know our bodies. We know what we like. We know how to love. We’ve got grit, depth, and thighs that have carried us through a hell of a lot.
I’m not settling. And neither should you.
A man who captures the heart of a mature woman?
He’s the lucky one.
Have you experienced this shift in how you see your body? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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