by Meredith Siegel Cohen, Creator, Single and Striking Out

I took myself out to lunch and to see the Wicked movie in December. The cold, grey weather with blistering winds made it the perfect day for an indoor activity.  I really wanted to see the movie, and although my movie-loving friend couldn’t make it, the timing worked well – 4:30 pm on a Thursday. Who would even notice me? (Hello, judgment.)

I was hungry, so I went to the diner for a veggie egg-white omelet and coffee around 1:30. How delightful to go on my own timetable and be served a meal. To simply relax in the booth and have someone pour me a second cup of coffee, noticing I like two half-and-half containers. “Ma’am, let me get you another one.” All I had to do was show up, sit back, take a deep breath, and enjoy my meal – eating however many fried hash browns I wanted and indulging in my love of salt.

Aaaaaah.

It was an easy, restful hour. I didn’t see anyone I knew in the restaurant, and I had a window booth with a view. I had my phone, and I suppose there’s no rule that it has to be difficult, right?

The Wizard of Oz has always been one of my all-time favorites. As a little girl, I dreamed of being Dorothy, whisked away to a fantastical place. Maybe some of that dream came true. How many tornadoes have I felt swept into?!

After lunch, I made my way to the theater. Given the popularity of the movie (no pun intended), it was showing in one of the larger screening rooms, which was empty when I walked in. It felt a little uncomfortable to be all alone in such a cavernous space, but I settled into my seat and opened my box of Milk Chocolate Raisinets (hello, gorgeous!). Soon enough, a couple of women trickled in and joked with me about the lack of seating. I thought that was generous of them. Then a young couple arrived, followed by a few more people. The theater was still nearly empty, but I wasn’t alone anymore. I felt better.

The previews started – my favorite! – and then the movie began, and I was transported to the world of Shiz University and the land of Oz.

But…

I couldn’t help but notice a sad feeling in my gut. It was loneliness creeping in, slicing through my enjoyment. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the movie—it was the absence of someone to share the experience with that made me acutely aware of my solitude. I had no one to chat with about which upcoming films looked interesting, to whisper with about the storyline, or to ask questions of when I didn’t hear or understand something. I had no one’s hand to hold. Holding hands had always been a part of my movie-going experience when I was partnered. Not that day. I even looked down at my hands, folded neatly in my lap (after polishing off the Raisinets, of course), just noticing.

When the film ended and the lights came up, I watched as others smiled, laughed, and discussed the film. Not me. I simply was a spectator. I put on my jacket, picked up my trash, slung my purse over my shoulder, and walked out to my car. Silently.

When I later reflected on the experience, I realized how focused I was on the negative aspects.

Look at all I didn’t appreciate. How fortunate I was to have an afternoon like that—to do exactly what I wanted, to be able to afford it, and to not have to be on anyone else’s timetable. How fantastic and special! I was also proud of myself. Yes, it took some effort, but I was able to push past the embarrassment of possibly seeing someone I knew and feeling “pathetic” for being alone. I know, I know – at 53, I shouldn’t still feel this way, but I do. Some days, it feels like that nagging voice in my head is winning: “What if I’m destined to be alone forever?”

Oh, mindset, you really love bringing your A-game, don’t you?

I don’t want loneliness to dominate every time. I want to acknowledge these feelings because they’re mine, and then send them packing. They don’t deserve a seat at the table. I want to focus on the positives of intentionally living life now.

Do I want to find love? YES.

Will I stop trying to meet my special person? NO.

Will I press pause on living until I find him? NOT ANYMORE.

Intellectually, I understand that it is not sad or pathetic to venture out alone. It’s exciting. The world is limitless, and it’s mine for the taking! But it’s so easy to get caught up in those wicked emotions. So, realistically, how do I venture forth solo if it feels kind of, well, icky?

I think having awareness is half the battle. If we’re paying attention, we can slowly begin to shift our thoughts. Journaling has always helped me reflect on my emotions and dig deeper. Being alone isn’t a bad thing; it’s just a different thing. And while it’s different, it’s certainly not “less than.”

I didn’t leave the theater “cured” of loneliness, but I did leave feeling more resolved. I can do this, even if it isn’t perfect. Maybe I wasn’t defying gravity, but I was certainly defying my fears. And that, in itself, was a small victory.

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