by Meredith Siegel Cohen, Creator, Single and Striking Out
In the realm of my love life, I feel like my destiny is to fulfill the role of a crossing guard.
I stand at the corner and wait for a man to walk up. I start to walk with him across the road. Sometimes we stop in the middle and get to know one another—maybe for years, or maybe for just a few days. But it always ends the same. At some point, we resume the walk to the other side. I bid him farewell and watch him continue on his journey toward his “forever after”—until he is out of sight. I’m not the one who gets the ultimate love, just the one who guides him on his way, knowing I’m not his person. If he trusts and forges ahead, she will appear.
I guide them, but never gain them. They become their best selves for those women—just not with me.
Lately, I have gone out with some very nice guys. Kind, courteous, generous. Things that I desperately want. But for various reasons—such as age, interests, and obvious differences—I’ve ended the dating early on.
Those reasons were valid and certainly part of the equation. But the underlying reason I choose, time and again, not to continue down the path to a second or third date with the nice ones is a lack of romantic attraction.
And this has left me very confused.
My experience up to now, which I’ve written about extensively, has shown me that I don’t want to waste time—mine or someone else’s. My past relationships taught me to determine quickly (and honestly with myself) whether something is desirable, which is easy when you know off the bat that your date is not for you.
But I’m talking about the ones who make you question yourself. The ones who have made me wonder if some higher power heard my yearnings and sent me the right person—someone I carelessly rejected, thus losing my last chance at true happiness forever.
Perhaps my “picker” is broken, and I don’t even know how to identify my person.
Because let’s face it: finding one’s person is more about choice than divine deliverance. We decide, in spite of the flaws we see in another, that they are the one we choose to be in it with—through the good and bad days—particularly as we grow older. Looks fade. Physical abilities slow down. Next year I will officially be considered a “senior” at 55!
I’ve watched a lot of relationship expert reels, and I understand that sometimes excitement and butterflies are really the nervous system sending signals of anxiety or even danger. Feelings of safety and calm are actually what you want to feel at the beginning. A slow grow, where not much is “booming” at first, can lead to deep love.
But shouldn’t I feel a flutter?
Shouldn’t I look at him and wonder, with curiosity, what a soft kiss would feel like? Shouldn’t I feel at least a little excited when he asks to see me again?
My dilemma comes after the first or second date—when the company has been pleasant and enjoyable, but the attraction isn’t there. Do I go on a third date just to be sure? And if so, is that leading the guy on? Or do you say something like, “I’m still processing my feelings but would like to see you again”?
I mean, really, who wants to hear that?
Would I want someone to do that to me? To know that he is going out with me a third time in the hope that he will feel something? Thinking maybe this is the “best” he’s going to get, and that settling for me is better than a future of loneliness?
No, definitely not.
I want someone to look at me and feel lucky to have found me, and excited to plan the next date.
I frequently get asked right at the table at the end of the evening (as I am typically on dinner dates) if I’d like to meet again. I dread these moments when I’m not feeling that kind of attraction. It’s painful to hurt someone. Admittedly, texting a response is easier. To look into his eyes and say “no,” then have to walk out together, is rough. It happened a couple of months ago. I couldn’t lie, though. The answer just shot out of me—the age gap was too wide. A wonderful man. I just . . . couldn’t.
More recently, I had a fun, open conversation during a second dinner date. We talked about our lives, our divorces, the aftermath, and even shared a love of dessert à la mode. But when he texted to ask for a third date, it took me two days to respond. I just couldn’t push myself to say yes, because I wasn’t feeling it. The interesting thing about that date was that I did consider a third time—but I respected him too much to risk playing games.
I do think it’s kinder to be honest and let someone continue on their path rather than offer false hope. This man, like the rest, will go on to meet a wonderful woman. There are so many out there. I extended my best wishes. I never really get them back. Instead, I receive terse responses.
Ugh.
I have hope, but it is hard. With each new individual who reaches out, I wonder if this is my last chance. Will any more follow suit?
Every time I say no to a nice guy, I feel blue. But every time I say no to someone who isn’t right for me, I also feel like I’m honoring myself.
I still believe he will find me. One day, the nicest one of all will come to my crosswalk, and I will feel the flutter. Instead of saying goodbye on the other side, he will take my hand, gently kiss me, and say, “Let’s go. We were meant to walk through life together.”
How do you decide whether to go on another date when the connection feels pleasant, but the flutter isn’t there?
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