by Meredith Siegel Cohen, Creator, Single and Striking Out

I am a dreamer.

I dream of the past, the future, of love, of loss. Of doing something meaningful in this life.
I dream of wants and needs and where I went wrong and how I can be better. How future me can be better.

I make up scenarios in my mind — what I should have said, what he should have done, what they could have proffered. It doesn’t take much effort. These ‘skits’ just come to me through daydreams. Sometimes I even start to respond out loud to something I’m thinking.

Oy.

Presence

But the one thing I am not so good at is presence. Being in the moment. Keeping my mind in the lines of ‘today.’ What are my senses experiencing? What is this point in time here to teach me?

Or, maybe there’s not a lesson in everything. So how do I simply enjoy what is in front of me with full attention?

This blog was created to help myself, and those similarly situated, embrace [Solo] life and all of its joys today, without worrying about what tomorrow will look like. Implied in this is having this ability to be more present. When we are focused on what we don’t have or our future wishes, we miss the abundance that is here for us in the moment.

Easy to say. Hard to do.

There’s definitely a tension in the push-pull of dreams versus reality. It feels warm and exciting to reside in the scene we long for. We look great (no Botox or diets necessary), we feel great (back pain be gone!), we say the right things, and we are accomplished.

But if we are too enmeshed in dreams, we lose sight of what we actually do have and sometimes, the opportunities available to us.

Contrarily, when we accept current situations while eschewing our dreams, we may be giving in to a reality not actually meant to be. We play it “safe” out of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of hurt. Fear of risk.

Fear of loneliness.

This I know well.

The push-pull played out last weekend in a way I hadn’t anticipated.

Shifting Tenses

I attended a special birthday celebration of a very dear friend. I was surrounded by others I hold close. There was no awkwardness or insecurity walking into this party. It was a happy, joyous space, accompanied by early summer cheer. Upon entering, I was completely at ease, greeting others, laughing and truly enjoying. Drinks were flowing, the salty sea air was wafting, and there was an overall jubilant aura, as the guest of honor was an individual easy to celebrate.

But there came a point where I once again started to feel the tension — when I was seated and having more intimate conversations.

As I was assigned a chair close to two professional men, I of course had to remind them that if they know of any eligible single guys, to please keep me in mind. Which almost always leads to their questions about dating in midlife. I end up regaling these ‘happily marrieds’ with crazy stories of what is ‘out there’ through my dating experiences. They love it, and cannot believe some of what they hear.

It really can be hard to believe.

In response, one innocently said, “I miss ___.” (fill in the name of my more recent ex)

Whooooosh.

Although my tablemates didn’t “see” my reaction under the surface, it knocked the wind out of my sails. There came a little jab of pain, sharp and unexpected. And in an instant, I was back in the past — in dreamworld — holding his hand under the table. Being fed appetizers so that he was sure I wouldn’t “miss” anything as I was chatting away.

Meredith, pull yourself together!!

I recalibrated pretty quickly, and continued on with the conversation. I was advised to stay “patient” and should not, at all costs, “settle.” The right guy will be there when it’s time. Okay. Yes! Presence. Good.

But then, the worst happens. When I “fish” a little, and the response isn’t what I want. When I exclaim that there may not be another love for me. Meredith, don’t go there. Don’t step into the ‘what ifs!’ Ugh, you know what’s coming. I just can’t help myself.

That perhaps the rest of my life will be as one.

And they nod.

Noooooooo. No nodding!! No one should nod at that. There should be no acceptance of that. Not at the cusp of 54!!

Barbara Streisand met James Brolin at 54. (Ha! Take that, non-believers!)

And I’m back in dreamworld. This time, in the future. But in a bad dream. Where I’m all alone, loveless, forever.

Sigh.

The Lesson of Now

In the aftermath, when I’m back home and thinking, the scenes go in all different directions.

But, interestingly, the one I’m most drawn to is the present.

And I know, deep down, that at present, I need to heal.
On my own.

That I’m right where I should be.

Sitting with discomfort, hurt, mistakes, and lessons learned.

Sitting with the unknown, which in truth, may not go the way I wish. (They weren’t nodding to be hurtful. They were simply listening, because it’s a possible reality no one can refute.)

Learning to enjoy myself. Date myself. Deriving joy from my company, my conversation, my independence, and even my quirks.

To be single and striking out. To be fearless. To be bold.
Which I am doing more and more, every day.

But even as I appreciate the warmth of the sun on my face, a beautiful blooming flower, or the scent of an early morning after the rain… I will always dream.

For dreams give us space to create, dreams engender hope, and dreams provide endless possibility.

And at the end of the day, each one of us is filled with infinite possibility.

At present.

XO,
Meredith

I’d love to know — how do you stay in the present when dreamworld comes calling?
Share with me in the comments or send a note.

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