The Pleasures and Pitfalls of Online Dating and Social Media for the Solo
By Meredith Siegel Cohen, Creator, Single and Striking Out
Oh, social media!
We love you. We hate you.
You reflect the best and worst of us on a daily basis. You betray secrets and divulge intimacies that would be better left unseen; spread misinformation; and often present the ideal of what we want others to see, rather than the truth of reality. You pose risks to our safety when too much is shared—and yet, conversely, help us avoid danger through that same oversharing.
Some time ago, a subscriber to the Single and Striking Out blog asked me to talk about “safety” and online dating. I tucked the request in my back pocket, not quite ready for the topic.
But some of my recent experiences have made me think about physical safety in online dating— as I know the question was intended—and then the broader concept of safety in this mess of coming together, falling apart, and distinguishing intuition from emotion, all while life unfolds in front of us on social media.
While not every situation involves physical safety, there’s a psychological component that can cause disruption and hurt.
If you let it.
The Physical
While I’m no expert on dating safety, I’ve certainly learned a few things the hard way—and they’re worth sharing.
The individual who asked me to write about this is, like myself, in her 50s, looking for her Mr. Right—and rather shockingly—has never been on an online dating site, out of fear.
I find that surprising, because I truly don’t know how else one meets eligible singles these days. Sure, there’s always the possibility of a chance meeting in public, at a bar, a meetup group, singles event, or through a shared hobby. And yes, personal introductions are ideal. But if not paired with online dating, the chances of meeting a broader pool of people are limited. And while all it takes is one, finding that one might require sifting through many.
That’s why I’m a huge proponent of online dating. Aside from a few personal introductions, all of my dates have come from the online world—which can be, well, hairy. We don’t know these people from a hill of beans. Every word they write could be a lie—or at the very least, a “stretching” of the truth—and we often buy it hook, line, and sinker. Because, well, why wouldn’t we?
It sounds wonderful. And we so want to believe.
When I meet someone of interest online, I follow a few basic rules to protect myself.
First, I keep the conversation on the dating platform. Men love to ask for my cell number right away. I’m not sure why—texting is no more convenient than messaging within the app. But I won’t give out my information until I feel comfortable. Furthermore, for a first phone conversation, I always ask for their number, and I use *67, to protect my privacy.
Second, on most sites I’ve used, I list only a moniker—not my real name—or I just use my first name. I don’t share my full name until I’ve built trust and they’ve shared their last name with me. Last names are important because they offer an opportunity to confirm a few things through a little online sleuthing.
A recent date told me he doesn’t always provide his last name, even when asked. I told him if he had refused to tell me, we wouldn’t be sitting at that table!
Third, I never give out my home address or allow someone to pick me up on a first date—and usually not until the third. I always meet at a public place, and I consider the parking situation ahead of time. Last year, I went on a date that unnerved me. The man had collected far too much personal information about me—information I hadn’t shared. He proudly showed me a photo and quote from my high school yearbook—saved on his phone.
Can you say creepy?!
After dinner, he walked me to my car, which was parked in a dark, isolated corner of a mall lot. I wasn’t sure which was the greater danger—being mugged by a stranger or harmed by this guy. Luckily, I was fine. But it taught me the importance of parking strategy. Valet parking, while more expensive, is optimal as it puts you in a well-lit, crowded space, where you can safely wait for your car to be brought to you.
The Psychological
Beyond physical safety, online dating and social media can mess with our heads.
Where are the posts with grit and honesty, like:
“Rick and I had a horrible fight last night. I can’t stand the way he breathes and dream of having a torrid affair.”
Or: “Dave got in hot water with the IRS and I don’t know how much longer we’ll be able to keep the house.”
Or: “Will and I have grown apart. We have nothing in common, and we’re more like friends than lovers. I miss the intimacy we once shared.”
Oh no. People share their ideal life—what they want you to see. The loving anniversary posts. The beautiful vacations. The career milestones. The smiling, cohesive families. I’ve been guilty of it myself. I certainly wasn’t posting about my own marital troubles!
It can be hard for all of us, but especially for solos craving even a few crumbs of that cookie—seemingly sweet with marital or relationship bliss.
Protecting our mental health as we traverse this frontier is crucial, and I’m still learning how to do that (because, as you’ll soon see, I’m far from perfect in this arena).
First, the longer I do this, the more I realize it’s unwise to spend a long time bantering online. You get excited. You get a little crazy. You start to believe a relationship is forming—when in actuality, it’s not. Every time you hear from them, it’s a dopamine hit. And you crave more.
Better to exchange just a few messages, talk on the phone, and make a plan to meet shortly thereafter—if there’s mutual interest.
Second, it’s critical to remember that you’re okay on your own. Keep doing the things that ground you—your hobbies, your workouts, your friendships, your solo adventures. Because when everything pauses for the possibility of a relationship, it’s so much harder to rebound when that hope ends.
Trust me on this. I’ve done it too many times.
Having a rich life regardless of where a connection leads, helps you stay clear-headed. You’re less likely to settle. You’re more likely to protect your boundaries and values. Your joy will not dissipate.
Finally, while sleuthing has its benefits, it also has major pitfalls—as I recently learned the hard way. Sometimes we stumble across things best left unseen. Like an idyllic photo of your ex with his new girlfriend. The girlfriend you didn’t know existed. The one who, you assume, brings him more joy than you ever could.
Ouch.
Your head may insist this is a normal, natural part of moving on.
But your heart—most unexpectedly—breaks all over again.
Try Something New
I want to end with this: dating in midlife is a crazy, fun, and hopeful adventure. I’ve met some wonderful, sweet people through the apps, and I truly believe there are many matches to be made. I’m genuinely excited for the day I meet my next love—who will most likely come from a site!
I wholeheartedly encourage anyone curious to dip their toes into the online dating pool. With caution, savvy, and self-awareness, it will surely be an exciting and enriching experience.
XO,
Meredith
P.S. Here are a few articles on online dating safety for further reading on this important topic:
https://www.adt.com/resources/online-dating-safety-tips
https://chatelaine.com/living/online-dating-midlife
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