When the Ex Casts a Hex

by Meredith Siegel Cohen, Creator, Single and Striking Out

I miss my ex.

I can hear your gasps—how could she write this? Aren’t we embracing singledom?! Yes, we are.

I’m talking about the seven-year relationship that endured multiple breakups. It’s as if he cast a spell over me, and I don’t know how to snap out of it.

Romantic loneliness minimizes everything you knew wasn’t working and amplifies the things that were. Those, then, become the memories that play over and over again, like a faulty record.

How many of you can relate?

This scenario is nothing new. Hundreds—if not thousands—of books and articles have been written on the subject: Getting Over Your Ex. It’s one of the oldest dilemmas out there. Okay, maybe not as old as time itself. But you get the drift. This isn’t some fresh case study needing a theorem.

It’s odd to me because initially, after our last and final breakup, I was good. I felt strongly in my heart that it was the right decision and that it was time to move on, particularly when the same issues cycled over and over again, never coming to a satisfying resolution. At some point, you must either accept the situation as it is or free yourself to find one that aligns better with your values and needs.

After all, how many times do I need to be hit over the head like a Whack-a-Mole, with a sledgehammer inscribed with the mantra: ‘You can’t change a person’? Clearly, in my case, many. Wishing for someone to do and say certain things that never come is holding out for the potential of what could be—in a fantasy world. It’s not accepting things, or that person, for what and who they actually are.

Yearning for the Good Stuff

And yet . . . there are moments when I climb into bed, turn to the right, and picture him there. I recall how he would tell me to put my head on his chest and click on one of his favored PBS shows or sports teams (the sound of the Liverpool soccer fans’ chanting still echoes in my ears). I remember the homemade meals he would make (check out “Lasagna, Because I’m Worth It!” if you don’t know what I’m talking about) and his assurances that I am enough in this world— without needing so many self-help books (surely the subject for another post).

I think about his kindness toward my children and my parents, and how he rushed to my side when my beloved father passed away, holding my hand at the funeral.

Memorable, meaningful stuff.

Remembering the Not-So-Good

Of course, there were the not-so-good things—like our clashing communication styles. I love to hash things out, babbling on and on and analyzing everything, while he would go full DEFCON silent when upset—once even leading to a breakup because he just stopped speaking to me!

Then there were our contrasting opinions on what it meant to live a vibrant life— an ever-present challenge in our relationship. Even the things that brought us pleasure were vastly different. The outdoors and athletics—like, actual triathlons—were his thing, while my idea of an athletic pursuit was power-walking in and out of stores at the air-conditioned mall.

Toward the end, the relationship had dwindled down to dinner on a Saturday night and saying goodbye by noon the next day. Not exactly how I envisioned things progressing after so much time.

We saw each other through pivotal moments in both of our lives, but it became clear that our paths weren’t leading to the same destination. My intellect understands this. The question is—how do I shut off my emotions?

Shedding the ‘Ex Hex’

While I’m actively working on embracing my solo life, the void left by someone who was central to my story for so long makes it tough. I miss the intimacy we shared (would it be so terrible to share just a moment of that old closeness?), and I often wonder if I will find that special spark again with someone new. Yes, I’m finding my way as a solo now, but I do want very much to feel the warmth of a loving relationship once again.

So, how does one ‘lift the curse’? While I can’t say that I’ve perfected any of these, here are some strategies I use when the pull of the past tugs at my sleeve:

1. Make a ‘reality-check’ list – Literally write down the pros and cons – what worked in the relationship, and what were the dealbreakers. Write the dealbreakers first.

2. Maintain the Mantra: Out of Sight, Out of Mind – Ceasing communication and social media connections helps with separation permanence. Move the photos out of view—although you may not want to delete them, as they document a chapter of your life. (Not to be confused with rage-shredding of photos during a divorce—a highly gratifying activity!)

3. Journal and re-read – I journal my feelings regularly. When my thoughts start to recall a different set of facts, I crack open that entry and start reading. It’s an honest accounting of what truly happened and how it made me feel.

4. Shift to the here and now – Think about things you are excited to do moving forward. What’s one solo joy you now have that you couldn’t fully embrace when you were in the relationship?

5. Get moving and grooving – When sadness takes hold, push yourself to move. Get outside, let the sun warm your face, take some deep breaths, and walk to an upbeat tune. I Will Survive, by Gloria Gaynor, is a personal favorite. (Or join me for a power walk around the mall)

6. Call in your crew – While it’s not a substitute for romantic intimacy, fostering connections with friends and family can help fill the void and provide much-needed support. Venting, laughing and gabbing with those you love are great medicine.

The Magic of Time

While I’ve used all these tips and tricks, my thoughts still linger.

In the end, I think it’s only human to reflect on a past relationship and feel wistful about lost love. Short of an erasure elixir, perhaps time, more than anything, is the most effective healer. Gradually, feelings fade, nostalgia loses its sparkle, and we become more rooted in the present. With distance and patience, we can dispel the magic of what was and look ahead with wonder and excitement to what could be.

What about you? Have you ever been caught under an ‘Ex Hex’? I’m eager to hear your thoughts, learn what helped you, and add tools to my toolbox. Please share in the comments below!